Hormones Galore

You would think that if I’m sick enough, tired enough, and frustrated enough, I would sleep. HA! Instead I sit at the computer typing away. My toddler asleep, my baby curled up with Nan who stayed overnight to help me out. But instead of closing my eyes all I can do is think. Think about why I’m not asleep.

Perhaps it’s because my husband is on nights and I can never sleep when he’s away. Perhaps it’s because I’ve got a massive headache that the Advil is just not taking away. Perhaps it’s because my chest hurts with every breath. Or perhaps it is because I am wondering if I am starting to suffer from the dreaded PPD. Postpartum Depression.

Just typing that brings all kinds of images to mind, crazy women that have weird voices in their heads. How can I self admit to the same diagnosis? Perhaps a milder form, but still people think “crazy” when you mention a mental problem.

Why do I think this? Because I am sad. I am not a one to cry and if I do, the faucet is usually turned off pretty quick but it seems that throughout these post-delivery days, I am doing everything in my power to keep that valve shut off. Maybe I should just let it loose but if I do that then I’m sure someone in my realm of “support” would get a little nervous. What IS she doing????

I am exhausted. Apparently not enough to sleep, but exhausted nonetheless. My body is screaming at me to lie down and not move for several days, if not weeks. I am frustrated that my toddler is sick and only wants his main care provider, his “Daddy”. I am pissed-off at myself for feeling like I’ve neglected him for the past month or two as I was grossly pregnant and could hardly move. How the heck do other mothers do this? Why the hell can’t I? Am I just lazy?

I love my husband dearly but we’ve been clawing at each other for weeks now. Are we that sick of each other? He’s being supportive but yet I still feel so neglected. Selfish.

I’m mad. I’m sad. I am not glad. And I should be. After all, I finally have my daughter whom I’ve dreamt of for years. But since her delivery nothing has been smooth. My husband has used up all his vacation while we were waiting on the baby to come and it is now when I need him most. My mind is yelling at me constantly. No not voices. My voice. Telling me to smarten up. Telling me to scream it out. Telling me to punch something (perhaps a pillow, not trying to freak you out). I feel so frustrated. Stuck.

Is it too much to ask that I can shower more than once a week? Or pee when I actually have to go and not only when I sneeze? Is it too much to ask to eat a balanced meal, at least once a day? Is it too much to ask for a self-cleaning house?? Okay, maybe that last one.

I love my daughter to death and it is not her that I blame, but myself. Perhaps I was to naïve to think that I could handle this. I always wanted a household full of kids but perhaps I’m not the personality type to do this. How are other mothers so darn joyous and have clean houses with matching kids? I know they’re out there!!! This is exhausting me already and I’m hardly 3 weeks into two children.

Is it PPD or just a mess of hormones? Sigh. I have no idea. I just think that whatever it is, I need to take a deep breath and try and get some rest. I have to go now. My baby needs me and I need a cuddle too.