A Mother's Guilt

Does that ever go away? A mother's guilt? It seems lately like I've been getting it from every direction. I don't even know where to begin. I suppose it starts for me when I became a mother. Ironic. I mean, I had it here and there raising my son to the prime age of 21 months (still going strong) but now I've added another child to the mix and it seems that the mother's quilt thing has picked up tenfold.

I had a fairly decent pregnancy with not much to complain about until I got some stupid diagnosis that I didn't agree with that put me in a "high risk" category. I mean, I did my research and came to the conclusion that the testing is not accurate making the results inconclusive. I didn't want to subject myself to unnecessary testing which very likely leads to medical interventions that I didn't want or think was needed. After all, I wasn't attempting to have a natural birth at the local birthing center for no reason. But once I became "high risk" that was the end of that. So in order to have a natural birth I had to opt for a home birth with a certified midwife.

Now my husband and I asked all the questions, did all the reading, and had as many qualified people as we could, that would love us and support us, at the birth as possible. I superseded the norm of 40 weeks gestation and went to the beginning of 43. Wow. Didn't think that was possible; it wouldn't have been if I was at the birthing centre as they had an induction scheduled for me at the end of 39 weeks.

Well, the labor went beautifully. The delivery, not so. She had stuck shoulders, or shoulder dystocia. The midwife delivered her in very quick fashion although for everyone in attendance it seemed like forever. Out she came, all 10 lbs 13 ounces, and not breathing. She was given oxygen immediately but it was a long time before she came around on her own. The paramedics were called, people were in panic mode, I was exhausted. I had felt her lying motionless on my tummy, felt her head while she was lying by my side as she was being bagged with the oxygen, and briefly seen her arm on as she was lying on the bed being “worked on”. When I finally seen her face, the paramedic had her swaddled and brought her close enough I could see into her eyes. That’s when I cried.

Quilt. Did I do the right thing? Was this the best for her? Was this the safest? What would have happened otherwise? Had I stayed in the program? Had I agreed on the early delivery and induction? What are people going to ask me? How do I answer? Why did this have to happen? I was so sure this time it’d be different.

You see, I have already given birth to a baby that was large and had shoulder dystocia. I never had the “high risk” diagnosis then, nor did I give birth at home. It was in the hospital. Where people think it’s the normal place to be. The difference??? He could breathe on his own. And the delivery was not near as smooth, even with a stuck shoulder. With the hospital birth, I had more trauma done to my body and I took a much longer time with healing. So why the quilt??

I have come to the conclusion that I did the right thing. I felt very reasured when I went into it and the more I have asked questions the more I feel that if the situation were different in any way, there would be trauma in another fashion. But the quilt still comes, especially when others question me.

That brings me to another point. My toddler has been sick. Ever since my daughter came home there has been one thing after another attacking my child. A rash, extremely dry skin from the hydrocortisone lotion, and a horrible respiratory virus. I have done my best for him by taking him to a doctor when I thought it was necessary and keeping him home when I thought he has dealt with enough.

On top of that, I have been trying very hard to have some consistency to his bedtime and bedtime routine since I stopped co-sleeping with him a few months back. My reasons? I tossed and turned a lot when I was pregnant, I had a million support pillows surrounding my enormous pregnant body, my husband works nights leaving me and a little one to tend. Every time I wake to nurse her, he wakes too. He wakes when my husband comes home, he wakes when I get up to pee (which was A LOT when I was pregnant), and every little movement he makes keeps me up. And I am sleep deprived as it is.

So I DO have reasons but why do I have to be questioned? Why do others think they know what is best feel they have to tell me?? Even when they know my reasons. Don’t they have any clue what they are doing to me?? You see, even though I have a reason it doesn’t mean that I don’t have doubts. I am constantly questioning what I am doing and constantly doubting myself. I try so hard to listen to my “Inner Mother’s Instinct” but then when I get questioned, I wonder if I am just being stubborn, doing things out of spite, or doing it because it really is best.

I am sick and tired (literally now thanks to my toddler) of being questioned, doubted and having worry thrown my way. I do that enough myself. I don’t need anyone else asking me crap. Then I have to think of that, plus my own crap. I don’t feel like fighting people; arguing in order to convince people that I am confident. I am not always. But my kids have me to rely on, especially when the “know-it-all’s” aren’t around. It is me that will have to attend their Therapy Sessions when I screw up. Not you.

So stop giving me guilt. I have enough of it on my own. I’m a mother.



Picture courtesy of Hope Walls Photography, www.hopewallsphotography.com